Paradise Phuket

 

“Don’t play with her!” I hissed at the boys as the smiling Thai hostess took out an innocuous looking Connect Four game set from under the bar. They stared at me quizzically; as if trying to tell me that it was just a game and that with our IQs combined we could easily beat a girl with more boobs than brains. I sighed inwardly. I guess some people preferred to learn things the hard way.

It took just three minutes into the game to realise we were losing. No matter what move we made, she skilfully countered it. Unable to accept impending defeat, the Mentalist decided to start up a separate game with another hostess. Another few minutes and two ladies drinks were added to our tab.

“One more game?” the young lady smiled sweetly at us, leaning from across the bar, cradling the free drink in her hand. The Virgin quickly stared at the bar’s TV screen, the Mentalist at his beer and me at her bulging cleavage.

“Maybe later.” I managed to choke out, before chugging down my beer, eager to finish so I could make my escape out of there.

We were in Phuket, Thailand celebrating the end of the Mentalist’s bachelorhood. It would likely be his last boys-only holiday with us since we pretty much expected his future wife would object to any future boys only vacations. No more drinking, strip bars or ogling bikini chicks for him. With his conservative wife, he would have to start sticking to boring family resorts and their all-in packages when he’s married.

Also tagging along for this trip was my best buddy of twenty years, Sam, who had recently divorced from his wife and was celebrating a new lease of bachelor life. Nothing like good ol divorce to set you free.

Soi Bangla, Patong

“I know you!” One of the dancers screeched from the podium, as she bent down to shake my hand. I was pleasantly surprised since my last visit here had been an entire year ago. She didn’t waste much time getting down to business.

“Daa-linggg, buy me drink,” she purred, her hands crawling over my shoulder.

“But I just got here.” I protested.

She threw her head back and laughed, flicking her hair seductively. She persisted for the next five minutes to make me buy her a drink which I finally, in a bid to shut her up, conceded to.

Since drinks were relatively cheap in comparison to the cutthroat prices in Singapore, we weren’t actually too hesitant to buy drinks for the girls there. Beers cost about 120 -150 baht while ladies drinks were slightly higher at 170baht. While most of the girls spoke only halting English, they were an entertaining lot. Total damage for the night? 1900 baht or less than S$19 per person, a real bargain considering we spent over two hours in good company.

There are probably hundreds of bars dotted all over Phuket and quite a number are concentrated in Soi Bangla. Soi Bangla is a large walking street located in the centre of Patong famous for its raunchy nightlife.  Competition is stiff and everywhere we walked along the street, touts accosted us, either trying to promote the ubiquitous Ping Pong show or trying to bring us over to their respective bars. We gawked as a dazzlingly cute Russian girl tried to goad us over to an open bar where several Russian girls entertained the customers. We gawked even more at the ‘katoeys’ also known as ladyboys, whose perfect Barbie doll proportions put real women to shame.

Thai Massage

“You want special massage?”One of the Thai girls in a sarong winked cheekily at me as I walked by. Her hand reached out and spanked my butt. I couldn’t help but laugh and politely reject the girl’s blatant invitation to sexual gratification.

Massage parlours are big business in Phuket. An hour Thai massage cost a mere 300 baht (S$12.50), a bargain in contrast to the S$30 they charge back here in Singapore. Low wages and stiff competition for customers have resulted in the girls offering ‘special’ services for a tip.

Most notorious of the lot in Phuket would be Christin’s, a huge pink building right smack in the middle of Patong. While technically called as a massage parlour, it would be more apt to regard it as a brothel. Their speciality was a kinky body to body massage; after which the masseuse would shower you down. ‘Fun’ time with the masseuse included later. From what I heard, you could even order a sandwich: two naked masseuse with you right in the centre!

Just for research and evil entertainment sake (seriously), I sent the boys into Christin’s to enquire on the price. The price? 3000 baht for 90 mins of fun. As much as I would have loved to try it out for the sake of journalism, it was rather expensive of an entertainment choice. Instead, we settled on a nice two hour oil massage at an inexpensive massage parlour. Two heavenly hours of strong arms kneading my old tired body. No specials included. I wouldn’t know about the other boys though since they were behind curtains. 😀

Also widely available were beauty services such as pedicures, manicures and even bikini waxing. I was somewhat tempted to give waxing a try. Not for me since I am pretty hairless to begin with but on Mentalist who I’m convinced had King Kong somewhere down his family tree.  I’m sure I’ll get a serious orgasm from the pleasure of force stripping that thick tuft of hair from his back. Sick, I know.

Food

With Phuket being a tropical island, it comes as no surprise that its main culinary dishes are seafood prepared Thai style. My favourite place to grab some awesome chow was a small understated beachside hawker  called Wai Retaurant:No 6. Compared to many other places in Phuket, food there was reasonably priced and portions were large. A full rice meal with five dishes and drinks for all four of us came to only 900baht, or only S$9.30 per person. It even came with complimentary fruits.

Food to avoid in Phuket however are those of international chains such as McDonalds and Burger King. A late night prowl saw us ending in Burger King where a meal cost us 380baht (S$15.8), a real ripoff! Starbucks too is not worth the cost in Phuket. While the boys sucked on 160baht coffees, I was enjoying a nice iced Pina Colada for only 89baht. Talk about value for money!

 

Despite all the complaints that Phuket has become a overhyped tourist destination, it is still a pretty nice place to go to let loose and chill out. The beaches if wandered far enough, are still quite empty. The nightlife is incredibly lively and the people friendly and accommodating. As for our bachelor party there, we had quite a bit of fun in which the raunchy details are of course, not meant for public consumption. Especially when I know the Mentalist’s fiance will be reading this post. I swear he’s been a good boy!

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